Malthus

I'm tired...

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:24:03 GMT

...I feel like I'm in a haze...just emerging.

Maybe I'm looking through a thin membrane, like an amniotic sack, coming into the world anew.

I've needed an outlet. I need to try and produce a dialogue. Here is a convenient ally to that end.

I'm going to try...again.

Only because you forced me to...

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 02:41:45 GMT

�Forced to post!�

*Stomps around*

�Forced to post! Can you believe she�s pushed me to this!? Forcing me to post!?�

*Stomps around*

*Stops with hands on hips*

�Fine. I�ll post.�

Seven facts about me, or habits that I have that drive others to madness � she says I must post. I USUALLY don�t do these sorts of things, but since it IS Jude�

�I�m not sure I know myself well enough to come up with seven things. FINE! I�ll try.

1) When I (finally) attach to an idea about something I want to do, or achieve, or resolve, or come to terms with�I attack it full force, head on, non-stop until I have done it. I will get an insane gleam in my eye and talk so fast it�s difficult to understand me. My energy sometimes becomes too much for others and I think WAY too far ahead. When I was a kid, I wanted to do the Rubik�s Cube in under two minutes. My mother would often find me in my bed, under the covers with a flashlight, doing �something� vigorously. She�d pull back the covers to find me, Rubik�s cube in hand, cold sweat on my brow, �I�ve almost GOT IT!�

2) I generally never finish something I start. Confused now?

3) The most consistent thing about me are my inconsistencies.

4) I�m the worst friend in the world. I can�t be bothered to keep up with much of anyone on a regular basis, unless I try REALLY hard; even then�not so good. In fact, I haven�t got many friends. Most the people I know are acquaintances at best � I�m just too slippery.

5) I am obsessive compulsive to a degree that no one realizes. I�ve developed an awareness and quiet habits to help me deal with it. I have these strange games I play with my fingers, where I have to touch the tip of each finger a certain way with my thumb and then work the sequence backward. If I don�t do it just right, I have to repeat the sequence or feel unsettled until I do. When I sit down at a restaurant, I arrange the table � or try to stop myself before I do. I think I might be a lot like Darth Vader. I�ve never shared these things with anyone.

6) I am The Devil�s Advocate. In any given situation, I will try to see all sides of a thing to the annoyance of everyone around me. Even in situations where a decision must be made and fairly quick, I will play out every possible scenario, thinking as far ahead as possible, to make sure I make the �Best possible decision.� Oh, and I suck at chess.

7) I don�t know anything about money. I hate money. I never understand what happens to my money. If someone gives me money, or puts me in charge of money�they are ALWAYS sorry. I have nothing to show for the money I have�wait�don�t have. Wait�where�s my money?

(P.S. - Prof. K [below] is one of the characters from the new Games By Gamers� board game ZAP!� - Hey, anyone want to play test it for us?)

I swear...

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 04:42:15 GMT

...if I live through this...I will write again.

Life is remarkable.

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 05:03:37 GMT

For months I have been languishing in emotional pain and distress and in two days time all of that has nearly washed away and I find myself climbing to the top of an emotional high. Am I fickle, or is it life that�s fickle? I can�t decide.

I have not been effective in all aspects of being �me� since I moved to Ohio. I have made critical errors in judgment regarding just about everything. Life, in many ways, is reaching a sort of critical mass. Somehow, though, amidst the turmoil � I have found some focus. I have found some clarity. I have begun to explore creative aspects of myself. And somehow, optimism has found its way back into my heart and I see great things on the horizon. What the hell is going on?

I�m sure you�ve been here too. I�ve been here before, so why is it such a surprise now that�heck�life gets better sometimes? Why is it a surprise that I can be a part of something successful? Forty years have passed and still I strain to figure myself out � I should probably just accept that �I am� and go on.

I guess this is how we learn though � how we grow as humans. Life is cyclic and we humans prone to move in vicious circles, so we go round and round and life comes round and round and�

�the world turns�
�the seasons change�
�things grow and die�

�and here we are. Here we are. I�m glad we�re here. I never, ever want this to end.

Await

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 02:32:20 GMT

I did it...

Wed, 30 May 2007 01:20:50 GMT

...I'm 40.

Wow - that didn't hurt a bit.

It�s not so easy for me.

Tue, 15 May 2007 00:25:43 GMT

For many of you, your blog is used for simple things like entertainment or a casual connection with others � mine is much different.

This space is an honest place for me � it�s where I bare my soul. I�m willing to share that with all of you because, for the most part, you are strangers. That is to say: you are not part of my daily, physical life.

I�ve opened up to myself on this space. I�ve provided honesty to my own soul, often when I needed it most. Many times I have revealed new things to myself here � revealed secrets I didn�t even know existed. I have connected with myself on a much higher level than ever in my past and�I have connected with others as well.

Some of my connections have been casual, but not all. A few have touched me deeply and one � more deeply than I would have thought possible. These connections constantly reverberate in me�sometimes not strong and other times like the crushing of planets.

I am deeply affected by the world, profoundly connected to life, ultimately sensitive to stimulus of all kinds. That�s why I disappeared from here for so long. Life has recently become too much for me and so�I withdrew into a tiny shell. I tried to hide myself.

But life can be like a wicked child and, like a child, poked and prodded at me and finally pried me from that shell. I have lain bare, naked, before life and held my eyes shut tight against the constant waves of humanity that washed over me, hoping to become like stone and sink into the earth; a fossil in the everlasting rock.

But the minutes pass into days and weeks, into months and still I lay bare.

I don�t say all these things looking for sympathy or advice, for I think there is none to offer and little that words can do�save for my own words, which now come with great trouble. Please�say nothing to this. Use the words that you would always use � inject some normality into this sphere. And stand by as I find my way back. Don�t help me�just watch with a smile and understand that I am doing what we must all do.

I am breathing, my blood is pumping, my senses are working, my nerves firing, my brain engaging, my heart aching and loving, my eyes trying to open and my lips straining to speak � I am living.

...

Thu, 10 May 2007 02:55:10 GMT

Should I even try? I don't know if I can.

I'm not dead...

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 02:08:54 GMT

...just real busy. I'm still around, lurking. I don't get much time on the computer - I'm using my time to seek out that rhythm I need so badly. It's off to San Antonio, TX for a couple of days tomorrow, so I'll be able to catch up some. Hey, I'll be at the Hilton - look me up if you're in town! We'll drink some beers and tell old war stories...it'll be great! Just like old times...

Cheers,

Chris

The Return: Part Deux

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 03:48:46 GMT

I�m taking a phased approach, if you hadn�t noticed.

Seriously, life is�is�so damn busy that I�m having trouble keeping my head above water. Between juggling locations, finances, children, a new job, a new town, the search for a new home�I can�t believe I haven�t gone mad.

But, I�m noting something about myself � a survival mechanism that I have always known was there, but never paid much heed. During times of trouble and high stress I strip away things. My dress becomes more simple, sometimes I�ll shave my head, I�ll often talk less and interact with people less. The last one is the worst by far � I will drop contact with nearly everyone (including myself) and interact with those within my immediate eyesight. I will only interact with those that demand and require my service.

Strangely, I will also fill my plate to overflowing at work. I will often take on way more tasks than I should and commit myself to more meetings, phone calls, e-mails, and schmoozing than I can reasonable expect to handle. But, somehow I juggle it all and generally end up alright near the end of things.

Do you do this? Do you isolate yourself�ever? Is it helpful or hurtful, in your opinion?

On another note�I still haven�t sold my house, and I am renting a condo, but we are about to sign a contingent offer on a house in Historic South Park in Dayton, Ohio. Yes�South Park.

I am a lover of architecture to an extreme degree, though I know little about it when compared to true experts. I do, however; know what I like and I LOVE a Craftsman style home. There�s something about hard woods, simple geometric lines, nooks and crannies, craftsmanship, and stained glass that calls to me from deep within my soul.

I found this Craftsman style back in August and immediately fell in love with the house and the price � at only $172,000.00 it�s a steal. But I had little hope of ever occupying it, due to the location of the home�in seedy downtown Dayton, which is not a very nice area. Downtown Dayton has many historic districts, but they are mostly in disrepair and close to crime ridden areas � not a nice place to raise three children.

When I first arrived I drove past the house � on the first night! I knew then that I would fall in love with it if I ever got to go inside, but I never thought it would happen for the reasons I stated. Well, the house was open for viewing this weekend and my wife and I went to see it. Upon entering my heart nearly burst � it was more amazing than I had imagined. So many hand crafted details all lovingly cared for since the house was built in 1917, just four years after the Big Flood. Some of the fixtures in the house aren�t period or correct style, but that�s ok because we love to update. The place is massive and full of wonderful accents � the basement is the size of an entire single-story Ranch style. It has a huge back yard and the windows on the upper floor at the back of the house overlook the historic Woodlawn Cemetery, where Wilbur and Orville Wright are buried (along with the rest of Dayton�s most prominent and infamous).

You can see by the rambling that I have been thinking of this house a great deal. While standing on the upper floor�I kid you not�I got teary eyed. Our chances of selling our place in time to purchase this house aren�t good. We�re stuck in a lease at this condo for the next three months. Our finances are stretch to capacity, but everything inside me wants this house�it�s the most amazing house I have ever stepped foot in. It IS, without doubt, the house of my dreams and the place I want to raise my children.

I will find a way. I will.