I've recently entered another period of reevaluation. At least, I think that's what's happening.

I go through these phases periodically, where I tear myself down, look at all the parts (that I can see), and reassemble myself. I've generally thought that I was able to make significant changes to my person during these periods, but I am beginning to learn that nothing has ever really changed. Mostly, I'm the same person and the only thing I've really accomplished is to craft a new mask or push my secrets deeper.

I'm a naïve charlatan. I'm really no better off than the very sort of person that I tend to loath.

This journal has given me a great deal of insight. I haven't been here in well over a year. The contents of this blog have been going through a distillation process during that time. I've come back now and sampled my work and it made me nauseous. Nauseous is maybe to nondescript a word.

Have you ever been caught in a lie - a really dirty one? That's what this journal is like for me now. That's the feeling I get from it. I'm seeing the words with a sort of duality. On the one hand, I'm the one with the dirty secrets and on the other hand, I am my own jilted lover.

But all of that isn't even important. So I'm a liar and a cheat; so I'm manipulative and agenda driven - so fucking what? For the first time in my life I am going to accept the fact that, by normal human standards, in the eyes of general polite society, I am a low life.

I'm going to craft badges from the following words, and hang them on the uniform that society has given me: liar, adulterer, manipulator, liberal, anarchist, homosexual, cheat, thief, atheist, bigot, murderer, fake, freak, sexual deviant…

To someone I am at least one of these things, to another I may be some, none, or all. I'm going to burn the uniform and the badges.

It's time for real honesty in at least one place. I hope this will be it.

This journal is moving.

...I feel like I'm in a haze...just emerging.

Maybe I'm looking through a thin membrane, like an amniotic sack, coming into the world anew.

I've needed an outlet. I need to try and produce a dialogue. Here is a convenient ally to that end.

I'm going to try...again.

“Forced to post!”

*Stomps around*

“Forced to post! Can you believe she’s pushed me to this!? Forcing me to post!?”

*Stomps around*

*Stops with hands on hips*

“Fine. I’ll post.”

Seven facts about me, or habits that I have that drive others to madness – she says I must post. I USUALLY don’t do these sorts of things, but since it IS Jude…

…I’m not sure I know myself well enough to come up with seven things. FINE! I’ll try.

1) When I (finally) attach to an idea about something I want to do, or achieve, or resolve, or come to terms with…I attack it full force, head on, non-stop until I have done it. I will get an insane gleam in my eye and talk so fast it’s difficult to understand me. My energy sometimes becomes too much for others and I think WAY too far ahead. When I was a kid, I wanted to do the Rubik’s Cube in under two minutes. My mother would often find me in my bed, under the covers with a flashlight, doing “something” vigorously. She’d pull back the covers to find me, Rubik’s cube in hand, cold sweat on my brow, “I’ve almost GOT IT!”

2) I generally never finish something I start. Confused now?

3) The most consistent thing about me are my inconsistencies.

4) I’m the worst friend in the world. I can’t be bothered to keep up with much of anyone on a regular basis, unless I try REALLY hard; even then…not so good. In fact, I haven’t got many friends. Most the people I know are acquaintances at best – I’m just too slippery.

5) I am obsessive compulsive to a degree that no one realizes. I’ve developed an awareness and quiet habits to help me deal with it. I have these strange games I play with my fingers, where I have to touch the tip of each finger a certain way with my thumb and then work the sequence backward. If I don’t do it just right, I have to repeat the sequence or feel unsettled until I do. When I sit down at a restaurant, I arrange the table – or try to stop myself before I do. I think I might be a lot like Darth Vader. I’ve never shared these things with anyone.

6) I am The Devil’s Advocate. In any given situation, I will try to see all sides of a thing to the annoyance of everyone around me. Even in situations where a decision must be made and fairly quick, I will play out every possible scenario, thinking as far ahead as possible, to make sure I make the “Best possible decision.” Oh, and I suck at chess.

7) I don’t know anything about money. I hate money. I never understand what happens to my money. If someone gives me money, or puts me in charge of money…they are ALWAYS sorry. I have nothing to show for the money I have…wait…don’t have. Wait…where’s my money?

(P.S. - Prof. K [below] is one of the characters from the new Games By Gamers™ board game ZAP!™ - Hey, anyone want to play test it for us?)

For months I have been languishing in emotional pain and distress and in two days time all of that has nearly washed away and I find myself climbing to the top of an emotional high. Am I fickle, or is it life that’s fickle? I can’t decide.

I have not been effective in all aspects of being “me” since I moved to Ohio. I have made critical errors in judgment regarding just about everything. Life, in many ways, is reaching a sort of critical mass. Somehow, though, amidst the turmoil – I have found some focus. I have found some clarity. I have begun to explore creative aspects of myself. And somehow, optimism has found its way back into my heart and I see great things on the horizon. What the hell is going on?

I’m sure you’ve been here too. I’ve been here before, so why is it such a surprise now that…heck…life gets better sometimes? Why is it a surprise that I can be a part of something successful? Forty years have passed and still I strain to figure myself out – I should probably just accept that “I am” and go on.

I guess this is how we learn though – how we grow as humans. Life is cyclic and we humans prone to move in vicious circles, so we go round and round and life comes round and round and…

…the world turns…
…the seasons change…
…things grow and die…

…and here we are. Here we are. I’m glad we’re here. I never, ever want this to end.

...I'm 40.

Wow - that didn't hurt a bit.

For many of you, your blog is used for simple things like entertainment or a casual connection with others – mine is much different.

This space is an honest place for me – it’s where I bare my soul. I’m willing to share that with all of you because, for the most part, you are strangers. That is to say: you are not part of my daily, physical life.

I’ve opened up to myself on this space. I’ve provided honesty to my own soul, often when I needed it most. Many times I have revealed new things to myself here – revealed secrets I didn’t even know existed. I have connected with myself on a much higher level than ever in my past and…I have connected with others as well.

Some of my connections have been casual, but not all. A few have touched me deeply and one – more deeply than I would have thought possible. These connections constantly reverberate in me…sometimes not strong and other times like the crushing of planets.

I am deeply affected by the world, profoundly connected to life, ultimately sensitive to stimulus of all kinds. That’s why I disappeared from here for so long. Life has recently become too much for me and so…I withdrew into a tiny shell. I tried to hide myself.

But life can be like a wicked child and, like a child, poked and prodded at me and finally pried me from that shell. I have lain bare, naked, before life and held my eyes shut tight against the constant waves of humanity that washed over me, hoping to become like stone and sink into the earth; a fossil in the everlasting rock.

But the minutes pass into days and weeks, into months and still I lay bare.

I don’t say all these things looking for sympathy or advice, for I think there is none to offer and little that words can do…save for my own words, which now come with great trouble. Please…say nothing to this. Use the words that you would always use – inject some normality into this sphere. And stand by as I find my way back. Don’t help me…just watch with a smile and understand that I am doing what we must all do.

I am breathing, my blood is pumping, my senses are working, my nerves firing, my brain engaging, my heart aching and loving, my eyes trying to open and my lips straining to speak – I am living.

...just real busy. I'm still around, lurking. I don't get much time on the computer - I'm using my time to seek out that rhythm I need so badly. It's off to San Antonio, TX for a couple of days tomorrow, so I'll be able to catch up some. Hey, I'll be at the Hilton - look me up if you're in town! We'll drink some beers and tell old war stories...it'll be great! Just like old times...

Cheers,

Chris